I hate Valentine’s Day. There...I’ve said it.
It may be cynical and unpopular, but I hate it. I may feel differently under different circumstances but I am married to an unromantic, non-sentimental man who, it seems, rarely thinks of what would make me happy. That is coupled with the fact that, for me, this is the 4th holiday in row that is about thoughtfulness and giving and it just drives home all of the above (go back to unromantic, non-sentimental, thoughtless). I do not get Christmas gifts, or anniversary gifts (Dec 30th) or birthday gifts (Jan 21st) or Valentine’s gifts. That’s alot of let down in a period of a month and a half. It’s not so much that I need flowers and gifts, it’s the fact that the days are all but ignored. Out of all four, I rec’d a birthday card. No special anniversary dinner with just us...no birthday dinner out at a restaurant of my choice (although apparently the night I said “I’m going to Taco Mac...you can come if you want.” somehow counted as a birthday dinner). I’m not even sure, while we were basically cooped up in the house on a snowy Valentine’s, that I even got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” from anyone. It’s a hateful disappointing day and I don’t like it.
I know what you must be thinking, It may be cynical and unpopular, but I hate it. I may feel differently under different circumstances but I am married to an unromantic, non-sentimental man who, it seems, rarely thinks of what would make me happy. That is coupled with the fact that, for me, this is the 4th holiday in row that is about thoughtfulness and giving and it just drives home all of the above (go back to unromantic, non-sentimental, thoughtless). I do not get Christmas gifts, or anniversary gifts (Dec 30th) or birthday gifts (Jan 21st) or Valentine’s gifts. That’s alot of let down in a period of a month and a half. It’s not so much that I need flowers and gifts, it’s the fact that the days are all but ignored. Out of all four, I rec’d a birthday card. No special anniversary dinner with just us...no birthday dinner out at a restaurant of my choice (although apparently the night I said “I’m going to Taco Mac...you can come if you want.” somehow counted as a birthday dinner). I’m not even sure, while we were basically cooped up in the house on a snowy Valentine’s, that I even got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” from anyone. It’s a hateful disappointing day and I don’t like it.
especially if you’re in a blissfully happy, loving relationship. You’re thinking my hatred of the day is a symptom of a bigger problem. I would not argue that point. I know in my heart that my marriage is broken, perhaps beyond repair. And honestly, just between us girls, if it were just me and him, I would probably move on because I think alone would be better than being in a lonely relationship. BUT, it’s not just us. There are children involved. My son is 19 (he’d probably would be fine no matter what) and my daughter is 12. She loves her daddy. They are so close and do so much together. It would kill her to go through divorce. I know this in my heart of hearts and I can’t cast that burden on her. This relationship was my choice (our choice) and it’s my burden to carry. I am perfectly capable of dealing with it. There is no abuse or cheating that I am aware of. It’s just broken and it’s not something I can fix.
I’m not even sure my husband knows how broken it all is. There are days that he senses my frustration and asks ‘Are you mad?” but I get the impression that he thinks i’m mad like. ‘you left your shoes in the middle of the floor’ mad or ‘you didn’t wash your dirty plate’ mad. I don’t think he ever gets the sense that it’s more of ‘I’m sick of living with you’ mad.
And before you say “you should talk to him about it” you should know that I’m most definitely a talker. He is not. I have talked to him about our issues for years and I always walk away thinking “What in this world possessed me to think this would be a productive conversation?”. It is not productive or anything even remotely close. It becomes a “why is it all me” and “I’ll try to do better” conversation. He has even said that he remains in this relationship in the hopes that it will one day get better. I can see that mentality if you are working on it but it does just magically get better. You don’t wake up one day and be blissfully happy again. At least not in the world I live in. That shit only happens in the Magic Kingdom as far as I can tell (excuse my language).
So for now, I will go on...business as usual...playing the role of the semi-happy wife and hating every holiday that has anything to do with love and thoughtfulness. Do you have holidays that you hate? Secret feelings that you don't share with anyone in your life?
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