An Honest Moment Captured...Day 12

This blog post was actually an email written to my BFF Amy when she off-handedly asked how me and Adub were doing. It got long, but I have a very honest relationship with Amy and it came out in the writing.  I wanted to remember these thoughts and since this blog is my online journal of sorts, I natural decided to preserve it here.  ---

Me and Adub...well, as they say on facebook...it's complicated.  It's probably best discussed over beer or coffee....or vodka.  :-)  I have spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship over the last few months.  Our 20th anniversary was in December. The best way for me to describe my state of mind is realistic and honest.  

I spent 20 years waiting for him to be what I need and I guess I finally admitted to myself that it will never really happen.  He will never be thoughtful, sensitive, romantic, etc.  He will never give any more than he has over the last 20 and when I'm honest, it's not enough and it's not ok.  With that being said, I made a commitment, more to my kids than to him, to give them a family and for now, that is what I will continue to do. I'm not willing to sacrifice Kdub's happiness for my own. 

To be fair, I'm not miserable...just disappointed.  Sometimes being with someone is lonelier than actually being alone, if that makes sense.  It magnifies what your missing.  I have found that, finally admitting to myself that this relationship is broken, has been freeing to a certain extent.  It has relieved all the pressure to try to make it better...to pretend that it's good and well and wonderful.  I do what I want to do without any pressure to be what someone else wants or needs...at least for the most part.  I'm still practicing and I'm getting better. I don't try to change him and I try not to let him change me.  I'm trying to remember the person I was before...before I became so jaded.  I'm trying to remember how to find my own happiness instead of depending on someone else to help me be happy. I finally understand that concept.

I think my marriage has just withered up and for the most part, died.  Mostly its from neglect.  The part that's really sad is I don't think Adub notices at all.  If he does, he doesn't let on.  He is so complacent it's nauseating.  In my MOST honest moments, I will admit that while I think he believes he loves me, I don't know if he has really ever felt that strongly.  Maybe he settled for me? He is thoughtful when it comes to Kdub.  He thinks about what will make her happy.  Getting her a valentines gift or birthday gift.  He never thinks of what will make me happy.  I don't think it's intentional...it's just not on his mind.  I think he is way more connected to HB than he is me.  

One of the game changing moments for me was when he said he thought he would take Kdub to the movies one Friday night. Now, the reason that was such a defining moment is that he WILL NOT go to the movies with me.  I couldn't tell you the last movie we went to.  He says he falls asleep in the movies and it's a waste of money.  This wasn't the first time that had happened.  Last summer he thought of taking Kdub to see Jason Aldean in concert.  He said I could come too if I wanted.  8-/  Gee thanks.  Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE Jason Aldean and I would have given anything to go to that show.  He either doesn't know me that well, or he just doesn't care.  I'm not sure it matters which it is. It's all those little moments and comments that are salt in the wounds of an already damaged relationship. Every birthday, anniversary, valentines day without so much as a card...they all add up.  

I'm not sure we've ever had a super normal relationship, but I guess I always thought it would grow into one.  But communication issues, respect issues, feeling invisible...it all takes its toll.  I'm not even sure I'm sad anymore.  I'm just in this neutral place.  There's a Three Days Grace song with a line in it..."I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...".  I get that, because these days I look at him and feel nothing.  I mean we still have sex and it's still good, but it's physical, not emotional.  It comfortable and familiar, but its really just meeting a need...friends with benefits.  We still say I love you, but it feels hypocritical every time I say it.  It's not a lie...I do love him, but its more like a friend.  I don't feel a deep, loving connection with him. I've always felt that we were meant to be together but now, not so much.  On some level, I feel like I grew up and he stayed the same.  On another, I feel like I lost myself...I became a product of my environment, settling for less that I deserved and convincing myself it was ok, when really it wasn't.  It was just me being weak.  Andy isn't a bad person.  He is a good dad and a fun person to hang out with.  He just doesn't know how to be a good husband.  He doesn't want to put in the work.

It sounds like a sad situation, and in a lot of ways it is.  But in some ways it's good.  It's good for me to come to terms with the situation and to be honest with myself.  I think a lot of my weight issues have been connected to emotional eating issues.  Food makes me happy when he doesn't and that's a lot of the time.  I'm trying to learn to focus on me and my happiness, because no matter how much I give and invest, this relationship will never be more than it is today without the other half investing and that's not likely to happen.  

RE frequently reminds me to let go of the past.  The only thing we need to spend time on is today and tomorrow.  His clarity came as the result of an unwanted divorce.  I figure it's good, hard-earned advice that I can apply to work and home so I try to listen.  I don't think he knows it but he has been very good for my state of mind.  He is way more mellow than he was before and that's a good thing.  I'm hoping it'll rub off.

So, for now, I'll sit tight where I am and try to figure out who I am, over and above being Adub's wife and Jdub and Kdub's momma.  I'm thinking about hobbies and interests, and being a better version of myself.  I don't know what the future holds but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Weight Loss On My Mind

Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about weight loss.  I  think this began when I stumbled upon a new post on a blog I used to read. (Victorious Eating, Thinking and Weightloss)  The young woman had set out to lose 100 lbs in a year.  She ended up losing way more than that (even though it took her 4 yrs) and she regained control of her life and her relationship with food.  

Just so you understand where I’m coming from, I grew up very thin (‘rail thin’ is how my momma referred to it). I was the child of an obese mother who also used to be ‘rail thin’.  When I was married at 23, I weighed in a whopping 125 lbs. Twenty years and 2 babies later, I am almost 100 lbs heavier weighing in at 219 lbs.

Sometime I don’t feel ‘that fat’ and sometimes I am mortified at my current size.. I’d be lying if I didn’t confess that it affects most every area of my life.  My work life, my home life, my sex life, etc.  There are things I can’t wear, things I can’t do, etc.  I feel the effects on my body,.  My knees ache and sometimes my back does too.  Going up and down the stairs is a chore some days.  I can’t run and play with my puppy like I should because I might fall and hurt myself. Lately my body just feels...heavy.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food, of that I am sure.  On some level I am lucky because some members of my family have full blown, life altering eating disorders.  I have disordered eating, but not to the point of anorexia or bulemia….I just like to eat...a lot. When I am (fill in the blank), food makes me feel better.  It could be mad, sad, happy, glad, depressed, anxious, etc.  It gives me joy that I don’t always find in other parts of my life.

Which brings me to my current thought process….

I wonder if, my less than happy marriage is what sends me running to food for comfort?

Mind you, I’m not necessarily blaming the marriage

After 20 years...

First of all, I apologize that this is turning into a 'my marriage sucks' blog but hey, it's my blog and my life so I guess that's how it's goes. At least it's real.

Anyway, today, as I was standing in line at Marshall's waiting to pay, I could hear a young couple behind me in conversation. They had obviously just purchased a house and were laughing and talking about inspections and painting. It was so ordinary but at the same time it was mesmerizing and heart breaking. Mr. Dub and I don't talk like that and we certainly don't laugh like that. We are tense and quiet and...different. We don't have the easy familiarity that a couple should have after 20 years together. Even scarier, I don't really remember ever having that with him. Maybe we did and it's just been so long ago that I've forgotten it? That couple behind me, they were friends. They talked like I would talk with my BFF. Mr. Dub and I are not BFF's. There are certain subjects we can talk about that way but mostly, we don't communicate. It's simpler that way. If we don't talk, we typically don't argue. And honestly, I'm usually way to snarky with him to have a real conversation, assuming that's even possible. Is that what it comes down to after so many years or is it just another symptom of how broken we are? I'm pretty sure I know the answer...

Slow waitstaff and buying my own V-day flowers :-(

So, today my daughter and I (we'll call her Kdub) went to Taco Mac for lunch.  I love Taco Mac, if only for their house made ranch dressing.  It is fabulous and one of a kind.  I will order off of their menu with the goal being how to get the best ranch dressing experience.  Sometimes you just gotta maximize!!

Anyway, the service was fairly good, the food was good and all was well with the world...until it was time to get the check and leave.  My pet peeve is having to wait and wait for the check and then wait and wait for the payment to be processed.  I guess it's restaurant protocol but I can't stand it when I spend as much time paying as I did eating.  It seems like the server would want to clear her table for the next guest.

Of course, this is what happened to us...wait, wait, wait. It is so crazy that you, as a server, spend the whole visit trying to do a good job and receive a good tip and then, the last thing before I calculate your gratuity, I am left to wait and stew over lost time.  Do you have
inside knowledge as to why this happens (other than they are just busy) or have suggestions how to combat this situation? If so, I beg of you, please share!!

Next stop, our local Harris Teeter.  Now yesterday was Valentine's Day (my least favorite holiday of the year...see the previous post).  We also had the biggest snow storm of the past 10 years this week (9 whole inches...this is the south...what can I say).  Anyway, that worked out good for me.  Since I didn't get a Valentine's gift and since HT had all those left over rose bouquets for $10, guess who has beautiful red roses on the dining room table.  Yep...me, that's who!  :-)  They are so pretty and I thought they would make me so happy.  And on some level they do.

Fresh flowers always make me smile.  The problem is, I had to buy these myself, which wouldn't be all that disturbing if I didn't have a man to buy them for me.  But I do!  The unfortunate thing is they seem to be a glaring reminder that I'm not worth the effort, at least in his eyes. That is so disheartening.  I don't need diamond rings or fancy dinners.  I just need a little effort.

If Mr.Dub knew how much it would mean to me to get a $10 bouquet of grocery store flowers, surely it would be worth the effort.  Surely it would, right?  I would feel so special...so loved...so gratuitous! Who knows what kinds of repercussions would result. Surely he knows it would turn out well for him.  Surely I'm worth 10 minutes and $10, right...after 20 years? Surely, saving that time and money is not worth the way it makes me feel...

Let me take a moment to be clear.  I am blessed and I know it.  I am fairly healthy.  I have a good job, a warm home and food on the table.  I have two wonderful children who are healthy and so full of life.  I have a decent husband who works hard for our family.  Heck, my life is close to perfect by some standards.  So don't think I don't know that and feel so blessed each and every day.

The thing is, it could be perfect, at least for me, with just a tiny bit of effort from Mr. Dub.  I would do whatever he would ask if he had needs that weren't being met.  If he said he needed dinner cooked every night...done.  Clean clothes pressed and laid out each morning...done.  I get that this is a partnership and we should work to meet the needs of the other half. But, we have crossed over to an  unfortunate place where he gives little or nothing which results in my saying 'screw it', I'll take that route too.

Btw, I was glad I didn't have to purchase a Valentine's card because buying a lovey-dovey card when you don't feel lovey-dovey is so hypocritical. Some days I find it hypocritical to say 'I love you too' when hanging up the phone. I don't dislike him, I just feel like the love I once felt...that fire in my heart...feels like it has been smothered by a wet blanket. Maybe there is a spark still under there somewhere, but honestly, I'm just not sure.