Parenting is scary...Day 5

Today I signed an apartment rental guarantee form (basically co-signing) for my 19 year old.  He is between colleges (I hope) and couldn't seem to find a job here so he moved to a college town about 2 hours from here, with a friend and is now setting up house there.  It is scary...and surreal...and scary!

Those moments in the early years,  when you're starving and sleep deprived and holding your week old baby as you try to make a sandwich, because if you lay him down all he does is cry...or when you're up all night with a 3 yr old who has a cold and just can't seem to sleep without you sitting beside him...when you're so tired you think you'll die...those moments are nothing when compared to parenting a teenager.

Parenting is hard....and scary...everyday! Anyone who tells you different is lying!  That is all...

Project 365 - Days 1 and 2

So I officially set about to changing my life yesterday, Sunday, February 23.  All in all it was a great day. I was up early, planning meals, clipping coupons and kind of making a plan. Life was good!

I tentatively set my calorie goal at 2000/day.  I doubt that will have me losing weight for very long but, it's better than what I had been eating (who knows how many calories that was).  I think baby stepping down might make the transition easier deal with.

Sunday:
Calorie goal - 2000
Intake - 1909
Deficit - 239 :-)

Food:
B - Vitatop muffin with coffee
L - Ham and Swiss Bagel
D - 2 Beefy 5 Layer Burrito from Taco Bell
S - Starbucks Mocha

Walked across the neighborhood and back. (about 30 mins)

Monday:

Today was a great day.  I came in way below my calorie goal and I wasn't even hungry!  I felt really good!

Goal - 2000
Intake - 1393
Deficit - 607

B - Vitatop with coffee
L - Mexican ground chicken with black beans
    - Banana yogurt
D - Grilled Chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, brown rice

No excercise. :(

And since I am falling asleep in my chair typing, I'll say goodbye and goodnight.

Project 365

I have been so inspired by many of the blogs I have read...especially the weight loss blogs.  It's wonderful to know that you're not on this journey alone and also to benefit from the experience of others.  One of my favorite bloggers took a sort of Project 365 approach and blogged almost everyday of her journey.  I loved it because you could visually walk through the year with her.  (Her goal was to lose 100 pounds in a year.)  It was easy to check her progress through the year, even if you didn't follow her until much later (like me).  Where was she 2 months in, 6 months in, etc.

This didn't start out as a weight loss blog, and I still don't see it becoming one as a whole.  I have way more to talk about than just weight loss.  This is more like a public journal of my life.  With that being said, the journey of weight loss is a big part of a persons life.

So, one facet of my blog/journal will be a Project 365 style look into my weight loss journey.  I SO hope you will join me and share your thoughts and experiences as well.  The more the merrier!

What's Your Excuse?

I saw a video on Facebook today about a disabled veteran who, because of his injuries, was told he would never walk unassisted again. Due to his inactivity, he gained weight and basically gave up.  Because he couldn't walk, many fitness instructors and trainers refused to work with him.  I can only imagine what I would do in his position.  Wallow in self pity?  Concede to be a victim until the day I die?  Who knows.

Do you know what he did?  He got a yoga dvd and he worked out at home.  He fell down (literally) over and over again, but instead of staying down, he rose up.  The man couldn't take one step on his own without his crutches/walkers but he got a mat and a chair and he found a way to work out.  Long story short, he made it happen.  He lost the weight, he strengthened his body and now he runs.  Not walks, but runs.

I cried watching the video.  It touched my heart.  It was entitled "What's Your Excuse?" and as it ended I realized that if this man didn't have an excuse, surely neither do I. I've eaten myself to obesity.  I've limited what I can do in this life. I've 'lazied' my way into big girl territory and I'm sick and tired of it.

I said in a previous post I wasn't ready to commit, but today, I am.  Not to a specific diet or workout regimen but to a better life and a better version of me.  I want to be healthier and happier.  I want to be responsible for my own happiness, without giving that power to someone else.   So today I commit to setting goals and making changes.  I commit to rising up.  Will you join me?

Goals for this week...

• Begin logging in My Fitness Pal
• Begin to move everyday (walk at lunch or walk in the evening)
• Begin to make small changes to my diet (more fruits and veggies, less carbs, cleaner eating)
• Pack lunchs
• Plan ahead

Snowmageddon, Spring Fever and the Winter Thunderstorm

Only in the Carolinas can you have the weather we have had over the last 7 days.  Last Tuesday, it snowed all day but didn't really stick.  Wednesday, it came upon a winter snow storm.  Then on Thursday, it snowed all day again, hence the term Snowmageddon.

 

When it was all said and done, we had 10 inches with larger drifts...the biggest snowstorm in our area since 2004.  By Saturday, I could get my car down the driveway (thank goodness I had backed in) but when I got home, I couldn't get back up. On Sunday, I could make it up the drive and by Monday, we were back to work. Tuesday and today...it was in the 70's.  You gotta love the south, y'all!  

Anyway, today was a miserable day because I was worn completely out. No motivation at all!  Why you ask?  Well, it all started with a 2am thunderstorm...which woke the kid...and the dog...and the husband...who decided to call in to work...and go to work early...which involved turning on the ceiling fan light in the bedroom...three times in a row...while I was attempting to sleep.  Need I say more?  So...by 3:30 I was trying to go back to sleep, which I did, but I don't think I ever quite got back into a good, restful, deep sleep.  Coffee couldn't fix that!!

Weight Loss On My Mind

Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about weight loss.  I  think this began when I stumbled upon a new post on a blog I used to read. (Victorious Eating, Thinking and Weightloss)  The young woman had set out to lose 100 lbs in a year.  She ended up losing way more than that (even though it took her 4 yrs) and she regained control of her life and her relationship with food.  

Just so you understand where I’m coming from, I grew up very thin (‘rail thin’ is how my momma referred to it). I was the child of an obese mother who also used to be ‘rail thin’.  When I was married at 23, I weighed in a whopping 125 lbs. Twenty years and 2 babies later, I am almost 100 lbs heavier weighing in at 219 lbs.

Sometime I don’t feel ‘that fat’ and sometimes I am mortified at my current size.. I’d be lying if I didn’t confess that it affects most every area of my life.  My work life, my home life, my sex life, etc.  There are things I can’t wear, things I can’t do, etc.  I feel the effects on my body,.  My knees ache and sometimes my back does too.  Going up and down the stairs is a chore some days.  I can’t run and play with my puppy like I should because I might fall and hurt myself. Lately my body just feels...heavy.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food, of that I am sure.  On some level I am lucky because some members of my family have full blown, life altering eating disorders.  I have disordered eating, but not to the point of anorexia or bulemia….I just like to eat...a lot. When I am (fill in the blank), food makes me feel better.  It could be mad, sad, happy, glad, depressed, anxious, etc.  It gives me joy that I don’t always find in other parts of my life.

Which brings me to my current thought process….

I wonder if, my less than happy marriage is what sends me running to food for comfort?

Mind you, I’m not necessarily blaming the marriage

After 20 years...

First of all, I apologize that this is turning into a 'my marriage sucks' blog but hey, it's my blog and my life so I guess that's how it's goes. At least it's real.

Anyway, today, as I was standing in line at Marshall's waiting to pay, I could hear a young couple behind me in conversation. They had obviously just purchased a house and were laughing and talking about inspections and painting. It was so ordinary but at the same time it was mesmerizing and heart breaking. Mr. Dub and I don't talk like that and we certainly don't laugh like that. We are tense and quiet and...different. We don't have the easy familiarity that a couple should have after 20 years together. Even scarier, I don't really remember ever having that with him. Maybe we did and it's just been so long ago that I've forgotten it? That couple behind me, they were friends. They talked like I would talk with my BFF. Mr. Dub and I are not BFF's. There are certain subjects we can talk about that way but mostly, we don't communicate. It's simpler that way. If we don't talk, we typically don't argue. And honestly, I'm usually way to snarky with him to have a real conversation, assuming that's even possible. Is that what it comes down to after so many years or is it just another symptom of how broken we are? I'm pretty sure I know the answer...

Ina Garten's Chicken Pot Pie

Every year we go on a beach trip with Mr. Dubs family.  This isn't any beach trip. It's a family beach trip on steroids.  There are typically 20-25 people all in one ocean front house.  It is so much fun!  To help organize the food situation, each family takes a night to prepare dinner.  You cook what you want.  This can mean your order in pizza or actually cook. Now for a mom who typically cooks for 4 people each night, that can be a little intimidating.  I refuse to order pizza because...well...I know I can do better than that. I wanted something basic enough that most everyone would eat it, yummy enough to have a wow factor, and easy to multiply. Did I mention I was cooking for 25??

After much searching and contemplating, I decided on Chicken Pot Pie, but I needed to find a good recipe. I didn't want canned cream soup, short cut chicken pot pie.  As I said, I needed a little bit of a wow factor.  During my search, I stumbled upon Ina Gartens Chicken Pot Pie. How could I

Super Target, Oh how I love thee...

My name is A-Dub and I am in love with Super Target! That's step one, right?
How can you not love Super Target?  I mean where do I start?

• They have the best shopping carts of any store I have ever been in...lightweight but sturdy plastic...they rock!
• They have Starbucks!  'Nuff said...
• Some of them have special cup holders that snap on their nifty shopping carts to hold your Starbucks cup. Could it get any better??
• They have awesome store brands and things you can't find at most other grocery stores. They have great store brand toilet paper, potato chips, salsa, etc.
• The shoppers are way less creepy than the people of Walmart.
• They have amazing produce!
• My local Super Target has a special parking lot design which really makes sense. (Bonus)
• Their plastic shopping bags are super sturdy (and make good snow boots when a freak snow storm hits)
• They have a decent clothing department with things you will actually choose to wear.
• They have Cartwheel and other e-coupons that stack with manufacturer coupons and make saving money a snap.
• They have in-store wifi.
• Their Black Friday sales are amazing!

I have always liked Target, but my Christmas bonus this year was a big fat Target gift card.  We are now well acquainted and I am in L-O-V-E. Now, if they would build one just a little closer to my house, I would be in heaven!!

Slow waitstaff and buying my own V-day flowers :-(

So, today my daughter and I (we'll call her Kdub) went to Taco Mac for lunch.  I love Taco Mac, if only for their house made ranch dressing.  It is fabulous and one of a kind.  I will order off of their menu with the goal being how to get the best ranch dressing experience.  Sometimes you just gotta maximize!!

Anyway, the service was fairly good, the food was good and all was well with the world...until it was time to get the check and leave.  My pet peeve is having to wait and wait for the check and then wait and wait for the payment to be processed.  I guess it's restaurant protocol but I can't stand it when I spend as much time paying as I did eating.  It seems like the server would want to clear her table for the next guest.

Of course, this is what happened to us...wait, wait, wait. It is so crazy that you, as a server, spend the whole visit trying to do a good job and receive a good tip and then, the last thing before I calculate your gratuity, I am left to wait and stew over lost time.  Do you have
inside knowledge as to why this happens (other than they are just busy) or have suggestions how to combat this situation? If so, I beg of you, please share!!

Next stop, our local Harris Teeter.  Now yesterday was Valentine's Day (my least favorite holiday of the year...see the previous post).  We also had the biggest snow storm of the past 10 years this week (9 whole inches...this is the south...what can I say).  Anyway, that worked out good for me.  Since I didn't get a Valentine's gift and since HT had all those left over rose bouquets for $10, guess who has beautiful red roses on the dining room table.  Yep...me, that's who!  :-)  They are so pretty and I thought they would make me so happy.  And on some level they do.

Fresh flowers always make me smile.  The problem is, I had to buy these myself, which wouldn't be all that disturbing if I didn't have a man to buy them for me.  But I do!  The unfortunate thing is they seem to be a glaring reminder that I'm not worth the effort, at least in his eyes. That is so disheartening.  I don't need diamond rings or fancy dinners.  I just need a little effort.

If Mr.Dub knew how much it would mean to me to get a $10 bouquet of grocery store flowers, surely it would be worth the effort.  Surely it would, right?  I would feel so special...so loved...so gratuitous! Who knows what kinds of repercussions would result. Surely he knows it would turn out well for him.  Surely I'm worth 10 minutes and $10, right...after 20 years? Surely, saving that time and money is not worth the way it makes me feel...

Let me take a moment to be clear.  I am blessed and I know it.  I am fairly healthy.  I have a good job, a warm home and food on the table.  I have two wonderful children who are healthy and so full of life.  I have a decent husband who works hard for our family.  Heck, my life is close to perfect by some standards.  So don't think I don't know that and feel so blessed each and every day.

The thing is, it could be perfect, at least for me, with just a tiny bit of effort from Mr. Dub.  I would do whatever he would ask if he had needs that weren't being met.  If he said he needed dinner cooked every night...done.  Clean clothes pressed and laid out each morning...done.  I get that this is a partnership and we should work to meet the needs of the other half. But, we have crossed over to an  unfortunate place where he gives little or nothing which results in my saying 'screw it', I'll take that route too.

Btw, I was glad I didn't have to purchase a Valentine's card because buying a lovey-dovey card when you don't feel lovey-dovey is so hypocritical. Some days I find it hypocritical to say 'I love you too' when hanging up the phone. I don't dislike him, I just feel like the love I once felt...that fire in my heart...feels like it has been smothered by a wet blanket. Maybe there is a spark still under there somewhere, but honestly, I'm just not sure.

Oh how I hate Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine’s Day.  There...I’ve said it.  

It may be cynical and unpopular, but I hate it. I may feel differently under different circumstances but I am married to an unromantic, non-sentimental man who, it seems, rarely thinks of what would make me happy. That is coupled with the fact that, for me, this is the 4th holiday in row that is about thoughtfulness and giving and it just drives home all of the above (go back to unromantic, non-sentimental, thoughtless).  I do not get Christmas gifts, or anniversary gifts (Dec 30th) or birthday gifts (Jan 21st) or Valentine’s gifts.  That’s alot of let down in a period of a month and a half.  It’s not so much that I need flowers and gifts, it’s the fact that the days are all but ignored.  Out of all four, I rec’d a birthday card.  No special anniversary dinner with just us...no birthday dinner out at a restaurant of my choice (although apparently the night I said “I’m going to Taco Mac...you can come if you want.” somehow counted as a birthday dinner).  I’m not even sure, while we were basically cooped up in the house on a snowy Valentine’s, that I even got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” from anyone.  It’s a hateful disappointing day and I don’t like it.

I know what you must be thinking,