This blog post was actually an email written to my BFF Amy when she off-handedly asked how me and Adub were doing. It got long, but I have a very honest relationship with Amy and it came out in the writing. I wanted to remember these thoughts and since this blog is my online journal of sorts, I natural decided to preserve it here. ---
Me and Adub...well, as they say on facebook...it's complicated. It's probably best discussed over beer or coffee....or vodka. :-) I have spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship over the last few months. Our 20th anniversary was in December. The best way for me to describe my state of mind is realistic and honest.
I spent 20 years waiting for him to be what I need and I guess I finally admitted to myself that it will never really happen. He will never be thoughtful, sensitive, romantic, etc. He will never give any more than he has over the last 20 and when I'm honest, it's not enough and it's not ok. With that being said, I made a commitment, more to my kids than to him, to give them a family and for now, that is what I will continue to do. I'm not willing to sacrifice Kdub's happiness for my own.
To be fair, I'm not miserable...just disappointed. Sometimes being with someone is lonelier than actually being alone, if that makes sense. It magnifies what your missing. I have found that, finally admitting to myself that this relationship is broken, has been freeing to a certain extent. It has relieved all the pressure to try to make it better...to pretend that it's good and well and wonderful. I do what I want to do without any pressure to be what someone else wants or needs...at least for the most part. I'm still practicing and I'm getting better. I don't try to change him and I try not to let him change me. I'm trying to remember the person I was before...before I became so jaded. I'm trying to remember how to find my own happiness instead of depending on someone else to help me be happy. I finally understand that concept.
I think my marriage has just withered up and for the most part, died. Mostly its from neglect. The part that's really sad is I don't think Adub notices at all. If he does, he doesn't let on. He is so complacent it's nauseating. In my MOST honest moments, I will admit that while I think he believes he loves me, I don't know if he has really ever felt that strongly. Maybe he settled for me? He is thoughtful when it comes to Kdub. He thinks about what will make her happy. Getting her a valentines gift or birthday gift. He never thinks of what will make me happy. I don't think it's intentional...it's just not on his mind. I think he is way more connected to HB than he is me.
One of the game changing moments for me was when he said he thought he would take Kdub to the movies one Friday night. Now, the reason that was such a defining moment is that he WILL NOT go to the movies with me. I couldn't tell you the last movie we went to. He says he falls asleep in the movies and it's a waste of money. This wasn't the first time that had happened. Last summer he thought of taking Kdub to see Jason Aldean in concert. He said I could come too if I wanted. 8-/ Gee thanks. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE Jason Aldean and I would have given anything to go to that show. He either doesn't know me that well, or he just doesn't care. I'm not sure it matters which it is. It's all those little moments and comments that are salt in the wounds of an already damaged relationship. Every birthday, anniversary, valentines day without so much as a card...they all add up.
I'm not sure we've ever had a super normal relationship, but I guess I always thought it would grow into one. But communication issues, respect issues, feeling invisible...it all takes its toll. I'm not even sure I'm sad anymore. I'm just in this neutral place. There's a Three Days Grace song with a line in it..."I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...". I get that, because these days I look at him and feel nothing. I mean we still have sex and it's still good, but it's physical, not emotional. It comfortable and familiar, but its really just meeting a need...friends with benefits. We still say I love you, but it feels hypocritical every time I say it. It's not a lie...I do love him, but its more like a friend. I don't feel a deep, loving connection with him. I've always felt that we were meant to be together but now, not so much. On some level, I feel like I grew up and he stayed the same. On another, I feel like I lost myself...I became a product of my environment, settling for less that I deserved and convincing myself it was ok, when really it wasn't. It was just me being weak. Andy isn't a bad person. He is a good dad and a fun person to hang out with. He just doesn't know how to be a good husband. He doesn't want to put in the work.
It sounds like a sad situation, and in a lot of ways it is. But in some ways it's good. It's good for me to come to terms with the situation and to be honest with myself. I think a lot of my weight issues have been connected to emotional eating issues. Food makes me happy when he doesn't and that's a lot of the time. I'm trying to learn to focus on me and my happiness, because no matter how much I give and invest, this relationship will never be more than it is today without the other half investing and that's not likely to happen.
RE frequently reminds me to let go of the past. The only thing we need to spend time on is today and tomorrow. His clarity came as the result of an unwanted divorce. I figure it's good, hard-earned advice that I can apply to work and home so I try to listen. I don't think he knows it but he has been very good for my state of mind. He is way more mellow than he was before and that's a good thing. I'm hoping it'll rub off.
So, for now, I'll sit tight where I am and try to figure out who I am, over and above being Adub's wife and Jdub and Kdub's momma. I'm thinking about hobbies and interests, and being a better version of myself. I don't know what the future holds but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
